so. i started off at 210 lbs. then went down to 196 am now about 189. am getting on track. its hard though. tonight i wanted chocoalte and my baby was in bed so i ordered a whole meal just so i cld have a mars bar delivered. i thought, ill just eat the mars and leave the rest for my boyfriend. but that didnt happen. i ate the whole lot. then i felt dirty and pathetic. i felt like a disgusting,powerless,fat wallowing freak. i ended up purging, which i hate to do. i know its a stupid thing to do but it made me feel a bit better. its like when people say u cant turn back time, but in a way u can with food. u can reverse the bad youve just done. nut i stillknow its fucked up, im just trying to justify myself.
i just want to be sexy and beautiful so badly.

i cant fuckin believe how powerless i am.
i was good all day. had healthy low fat grilled chicken and cous cous for dinner.

then ordered dominos.
god knowxs whats goin on with my brain. i hate it.
will get rid of the food and do some exercise to burn of what i had.

fuck fuck fuck ii hate myself now. i really detest how weak i am.

today was bad. i'd started off well. had had bowl special k , 2 rice cakes with houmous, slice tortilla espanol, and then i fucked it.
i had 6 milky bars, 4 milk choc kids bars, 3 slices dominos pizza and half a garlic bread pizza. i purged and got rid of it all. im really thinkin im gettin 2 the bulimia spectrum which is just scary.im so fucked up about food.
as im writing this im thinkin about the pizza in the bin and wishing i hadnt pured bleach over it. i want to be normal but its so fuckin hard.

x

i did well today.

breakfast - fitnesse cereal
snack - philidelphia splendips
lunch - cheese roll with boursin light
snack splendips and fruit sorbet smoothie with fat burner supplement
dinner - 1 grilled chicken breast with tomato and garlic sauce and morrocan veg cous cous

also have been snackin on bluberries. lots of water too and was at the gym.
i joined curves last week - its really good - cos its only 30 mins its easy to work into life.

am feeling quite good but also having a very very fat day.

hhhhm, could really go pasta.
wont though.

xxx

im worried about my

self now. i think my eating stuff is starting to slope towards bulimia. i'll be bingeing - pizza, starters, pasta, cheese, baked potato, more cheese, cereal, toast, all in one go, but the whole while i'll be planning on throwing it back up. its like its premeditated. i'm trying really hard but every time i binge its so easy to purge and for a short time you feel so guilt free. last week though my boyfriend caught me - and made me pee with the door open for the next few days, but in true style after a bit of initial concern he forgot to keep an eye on me. i hate how our relationship is. he seems to think that if he helps once, or supports you for a couple of days thats his job done. he seems to think he's some kind of bloody martyr for lookin after our son for 30 mins while i go to the gym. thats anotheer thing - ive been workin out like crazy and really trying with the food but have only lost 2 pounds. its so discouraging. you think fuck it - its only 2 lbs and end up phoning dominos.
i really want pasta with garlic cream cheese and grated cheese on top. that would be so amazing.
im sure carbs are as addictive as cocaine!

sorry for the rant.

xxx

today was good

weetabix with skim milk
yogurt
slim fast bar
fat burn smoothie
baked potato
banana bread

then went to belly dancing class.
my boyfriend has gone out now and i have white choc kitkats in the kitchen. i could eat all 9 of them easily and reaaaaallly want to. im doin everything i can to restrain myself but im literally salivating at the thought.

im gonna do this a little more then work out.

am really excited but also really nervous about eighing myself on saturday. i only do it once a week or i get really depressed with slow progress.

xxx

today i was doing well and had -

weetabix with skim milk
smoothie


slim fast bar
fat burner smoothie
rice choc bar
baked potato w/low fat cheese.

the i fucked up totally. i had a lemon muffin from starbucks, 2 ENORMOUS slices of toast (these things were as thick as the bible i swear) absolutely drenched in butter, 2 more choc bars, half a block of cheese and a apricot yogurt. i was feeling reaally bad afterwards and threw up, not even intentionally though - i think it was the amount of butter or something.


hhhm im sure the scales will reflect badly on this.
i worked out really hard for 60 mins though. maybe balanced it out a bit. i have a truley fucked up relationship with food and my body. i know i should feel thankful for all that i have with my baby boy and my fiancee, and i am grateful, i just wish i could be as proud of myself as i am of them.

x

did ok today. had 2 99 cal choc bars and two tortillas more than planned but had a good workout to make up for it. i really hope i lose a couple of pounds this week. if not i'll feel so shit. ive been trying sooooo hard. i go to conselling where i deal with postpartum depression and we discuss my eating there too. its helping id say. also im on antidepressants which can sometimes supress the appetite. ive generally found writing this journal helpful cos it gives me something to dread if i fuck up. like i dread writing about failing cos people will know.

good intentions for tomoro.

xxx

so today goes like this!

breakfast - 3x slices toasted banana bread
snack - lolly - fat burner smoothie
lunch - slim fast shake - 200kcals
snack - lolly - 60 kcals
dinner - chicken breast w/ cajun seasoning
dessert - low fat choc bar. 99 kcals

dunno exactly what that all comes to but not too much i dont think. im seeing a friend today sso can maybe get some walking in. tonight im gonna do a dvd workout warm up, then 45 mins bike, the dvd cool down. sounds like a plan stan. so far this is the best i've ever done in trying to lose weight. 1'm 13.5 stone and the moment and eventually want to be 10 stone. so far i've lost 2 stone and wanna lose another 3. that'd probably take me to a uk size 10. i dont think ive been that size since i WAS 10!

its so hard sometimes. its when im alone that the pull to binge really happens. its like i just think "fuck it" and i have one thing, then another then another until i have a pile high of empty packets and bags beside me. i just go crazy when i binge. like when people with anger problems say a red mist descends - thats what happens with me - except its a sweet , crunchy, often caramelly mist!

a good friend is coming ver on tuesday - thats gonna be the hardest part. she's like a small size 10 if that but eats junk food like an absolute pig! she'll have, a 500g galaxy bar, 6 packets of crisps, a bottle of soda, a huuuuuuuge baked potato covered in cheese and tonnes of butter, toast and lots more in one sitting yet doesn't gain an inch, cow!!! so when we get together i often end up bingeing. i really hope i can resist. i can be so weak sometimes.

well all good intentions for today.

xxx

yay!

did well today.
stuck to my food plans. but didnt have my dessert. well done me! i also walked alot and did 45 mins exercise bike. am all pleased and hope not to fuck it all up.


xxx

so today has started well. good intentions as always though.

b/fast - weetabix / skimmed milk - 200 kcals
              smoothie                           - 120 kcals

snack - light choc orange rice bar - 99 kcals

lunch - slim fast bar - 200 kcals

snack - frappucino light mocha - 140 kcals

dinner - baked potato w/ light phillie cheese - 400 kcals

dessert  - lolly - 60 kcals

total 1219 kcals - very good.

im trying to stay uncer 1300 kcals a day

am feeling really good cos so far have had no cravings at all. usually by no wi'll be wanting crisps or chocolate or ice cream or something but the thought of these thingsin't appealing - for now. let's see what the day brings.

xxx

NO BINGEING TODAY! HURRAY!

im all pleased with myself. i had a stick of rock and a slice of banana bread more than planned - but overall did excellently!
i think i have a bit of a hand to mouth compulsion so ive been keeping things like blueberries and redcurrants nearby for nibbling - things that wont make me fatter.

doing well .


xxx

so. i weighed myself today and its not as bad as i thought. i only weigh 187lbs as opposed to the 220 i started as. really pleased. i did my carmen electra work out dvd this morning. its a hip hop dance one and its fun as well as hard work so im more inclined to do it. also my baby boy watched me do it and was giggling a chirping so it was fun making him laugh! he's asleep just now which is usually the time i binge, doing well so far. i'm baking low fat banana bread as a distraction from eating, i find cooking takes away theurge to binge, ironically.

the food planned today is --

breakfast - 2 x weetabix with skimmed milk - 200 kcals

snack - ice lolly - 60 kcals

lunch - slim fast bar - 200 kcals

snack - blueberries and fat free yogurt - 150 kcals (ish)

dinner - 4 x oven cooked vegetable samosas - 320 kcals

this is a total of.....  930 kcals - very good. so on top of that i'll likely have some banana bread - say 200 kcals. only drinking water.
 
thats the plan - i always feel soooo good come the morning if i manage not to binge all day. ive found i enjoy making icons doing photo edits so i'll be doing that this evening - its hard to eat and type at the same time!

xxx

had a good day until this evening.
the day went like this-

breakfast - 2 weetabix with skimmed milk, strawberry and banana smoothie - 350 kcals

snack - low fat baked crisps - 99 kcals

lunch - slim fast shake - 200 kcals

snack - ice lolly - 60

dinner - baked potato with light philadelphia cheese - 450 kcals (ish)

dessert - slice banana loaf - 150 kcals (ish)

this is good as i'm trying really hard to just eat like a normal person. but then all of a sudden i was ordering pizza , garlic bread and potato weges. i was in a total frenzy. i defrosted the rest of the banana loaf, ate that with butter. then ate  3 slices of the pizza, all the wedges and 3 out of 4 of the garlic bread. its like something else takes over me and i cant control what i shovel in. i get all nervy and the only way to calm the fenzy is by eating till i feel sick.

i never usually do this but i purged afterwards. i realised the mistake i'd made and wanted to rectify it. i'm certainly not recommending or condoning purging, but my god, it made me feel so much better.

i weigh roughly 220 lbs but i'll get weighed tomoro for exacts. i'm a uk size 16 and 5ft7. i know it could be worse, but i feel so unhappy with myself and see myself as repulsive.

tomorrow i'll try harder, i'll have motivation in the fact that people will read this and feel dissapointed in me if i fail in my aim to be between 140 and 150 lbs.

xxx

what i'm trying to achieve with this journal is to share what i'm going throughgh suffering from an overeating disorder. many people will call me fat or think i'm merely greedy and lazy, this is not the case. i am active, i look after my son, i do all the things every woman and mother do. the difference is that i take great comfort in food. it's like an old friend who's always there. it's something that's always been there. just as cigaretts, alcohol and drugs are addictive, so is food. and in some cases can be just as dangerous an addiction. think of how many people die from heart disease, many of these with obesity related problems.
anyway. evey day i am going to write an honest account of what i've eaten, how i've felt, what i've done. i want people to realise not all overeaters are greasy slobs who shovel food in thoughtlessly.

life can be hard, people need understanding.